The Fine Art of Cat-Bathing

    Cat-Bathing may sound stupid, but it really is an art. You have to master many different techniques. First of all, the catching of the cats is a challenge all in itself. Once they hear the bath water running, they know something's up. So they use their cat powers to disappear (*POOF! Into the great beyond!*), and you have to go running after them. Most of them are on high places with many expensive glass objects on them, or in the basement rolling in the dirt, as a means of protest.
    If you ever manage to catch one, there's still even getting it into the bathroom. I'm serious here! They know once they go in there something bad is going to happen! Plus, their buddies, that have already gotten this treatment, tell horror stories to each other.
    If you make it past getting the cat into the bathroom, getting it to stay in the tub is usually a mad scramble of fur, water, blood, and two (plus) people.
    Don't worry about the floor, it'll dry. Trust me, it will.
    The whole point of getting it into the tub is to wash it, right? Well if you get the soap on it, you are very lucky. If you have done this without getting a scratch, gouge, puncture wound, or even had one of your eyeballs ripped out and eaten right in front of you, you are making up your cat-bathing story. There is no way that you can bathe a cat without getting a scratch. I would know. I have a gouge on my right index finger (which is making typing this VERY difficult) and a puncture wound on my left hand. Our Russian Blue chomped into me, and held itself there for about 10 minutes, or until we took it out of the tub, one of the two. I hope I taste good, because I would hate for him to go to all that trouble just to have a bad taste in his mouth.
    Nothing is worse than a soapy cat right?
    *WRONGO*
    Once you get the soap washed off, you have to go about drying it, because if you don't it will catch pneumonia and die. That's not (I hope) what you are trying to do.
    The best way to go about drying a cat is, surprisingly, not a towel. Rubbing a towel repeatedly over a wet cat with soap and blood in its eyes isn't the best idea.
    The best way, that I have found, is a hairdryer. It's fast, warm, and easy. But unfortunately, hairdryers can burn and leave painful marks. But these are not usually on the cats. So has learned my sister. She now has a mark, that looks like a C with a cross and another circle in it. It looks sort of like half a target. It would be a whole target if she had set the dryer down harder.
    But now I've gotten off subject.
    Some cats don't like the hairdryer, it's too loud and scary for them. So to escape the horrible wrath of the blowdryer, they run around the room, soaking anything in their path.
    In our bathroom, we have a table, they like to seek refuge under that. So they sit down, in a puddle previously made by many other cats, and you have to go under after them. Sometimes hitting your head and muttering choice words under your breath.
    You chase the cat out, get yourself out, and attempt to dry it again.
    Needless to say we ended up toweling lots of cats.
    That done, you let your newly cleaned cat out of the bathroom, and it proceeds to run into the dusty basement, to lick itself, and truly become "clean".
    So much for cat-bathing.

Silver Dragon - 11/3/01


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