Hail, friends! Bothered by all the strange religions floating
around out there? Not sure which path really leads to true enlightenment?
Fretting over whether the Man, Woman, or Slug upstairs has some real estate in Heaven with your name on it? Or maybe you just can't figure out which Truth is for you?
Well fret no more!
We at the Pineal Research Laboratory have worked out a
test just for you: The Lucky Charms Religion Test. Yes, now such puzzling
questions about moral values and eternal damnation can be easily and
quickly resolved, based on your own personality. The test is very simple.
Simply choose one (1) of the following "Lucky Charms" bits found in Lucky Charms cereal. Choose the one which appeals to you the most, your "favorite" if you like.
Those little boring oat bits.
Now, simply compare your selection to the chart below.
Each religion has been scientifically selected and compared with known
personality traits, color reaction responses, taste response, and curvilinear
perception theory which correspond to the Lucky Charm that you have chosen.
"Pink Hearts": The heart is the symbol of life and passion,
and no one was more passionate than the Tlaloc Worshippers of the Ancient
Aztecs. Tlaloc the rain god was merciless and cruel, and demanded
that the hearts of his worshippers should be carved from their chest, else he would drown them in a flood or kill everything with drought. While not the most compassionate of deities, you at least knew exactly where He stood. Book a flight to Mexico, pay up your life insurance, and prepare to find Enlightenment through fear and death in the South American jungle.
"Yellow Moons": The moon has been called many things through
the years, but has always been a symbol of Hecate, the Greek Goddess of
magic and witches, who still kicks around even today. Yes,
Wicca is the path for you, my young seeker. I hope you like standing around in the woods wearing lots of black clothes and silver jewelry. It will help to be able to say really silly incantations with a straight
face. Men: grow a goatee. Women: let your hair grow long. Pick a random Gaelic name for yourself out of a book, and Truth is just a prolonged trance while staring into a $20 quartz crystal away.
"Orange Stars": You probably like pets, which is a good thing, becauseyou'll want to join the Cult of the Dog Star. An ancient tradition, dating back to Egyptian and other African cultures, worship of the Dog Star, Sirius, has been around for forever. Even today, Sirius, or "Sigi Tolo" is worshipped by the Dogon people of Africa. And now, also by you. The appearance of the star in the heavens is said to portend floods, or thieves, or bad luck, or any sort of other evil omens. Better worship it to keep on its good side! Invest in a good telescope and get used to praying at night to your new celestial master.
"Green Clovers": Congratulations! You're a Druid. Break out the Chapstick and get ready to kiss a lot of trees. The Druids, of course, are an ancient Celtic (pronounced 'KELL-tick') religion that used to hang out and dance around Stonehenge. And they do love nature. Boy do they ever. I hope you don't mind getting really friendly with your pets. And I hope you like sacrificing, too! Those Druids LOVE to sacrifice stuff. Food, drink, gold, animals, plants, people, you name it, they'll probably have a ritual where one is thrown on a stone slab and carved up so its entrails (if any) can be read.
"Purple Horseshoes": Oh, wow. Really? You're one sick
and twisted little pervert, you know that? Your best religious choice is
the Cult of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, as you know, was the Greek goddess of
and to be honest, she spent more time on her back than... well, than you will. Members of the Cult of Aphrodite meet regularly to don ceremonial leather vestments, perform various acts of worship (either
for or to another Cult member), and shout out such incantations as "Oh, god(dess), yes!" (Assuming no religious ball gags are employed.) Pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin, and you'll get to learn a lot about both. Bring your own lubricant.
"Those little boring oat bits.": Christianity.
Now wasn't that simple? Note well: These matches have been verified scientifically. Don't waste valuable spiritual salvation time by shopping around and trying to make up your own mind. We've done the hard part, the rest is up to you! Congratulations on the choice of your new religion!
By the way, if you happened to choose "the milk," you
might want to check out Discordianism.
(k) Lord Falgan, FM, KSC, Pineal Research Lab, Novus Ordo
Seclorum Erisium - Reprint what you like but credit me, eh?