Losing a Child

Just today, Oak and I received the news that a couple we know had lost their son, Douglas Jackson III (little Dougie).
I grieve for them, and hope that the Lady and Lord will wrap these two people in Their arms, and comfort them. I also offer them the comfort of these words:

"For we will meet, and know, and remember,
and love again."
There is no greater tragedy in life than losing a child, and my heart goes out to Doug and Jo. I hope that the Lady and Lord will bless them with another child, but I also know the memory of Dougie will stay with them forever. I can only hope that, as the pain lessens and fades, their loving memories will sustain them.
I have the same hope for myself, for I can understand some of their grief ... a couple of months ago, I lost our baby ... mine and Oak's.
I was only about 5 weeks along or so when I lost her. At least I believe I would have had a girl; the energy felt right.
I suppose I did what a lot of mothers do; I lost myself in work, making the transition to a new life, keeping busy. I never let myself truly grieve for her - never gave in to the loss, the pain, the sorrow or the anger.
So today is kind of a milestone for me. I lit my first candle for her today, my beloved Sable. I couldn't do it before, so I guess today is kind of a victory for me, and perhaps for her as well.
And not the traditional white, or pink for love, or blue for healing. Oh no, not for my Sable. She told me what color she wanted ... orange *smile*. Trust her to be different.
To anyone who has not had a child, or especially never carried one, it is very hard to explain the sense of devastation that losing a child makes you feel. There is no feeling more hopeless, no grief more numbing.
I kept silent about my miscarriage. To be honest, I think if I had heard anyone say "well, it was for the best," I would have strangled them. The first person in my family that I shared the news with was my sister-in-law, who some years ago lost a daughter as well, our beloved Belinda.
Mothers who have lost children share a horribly intimate bond ... I'm not sure if anyone else can understand that kind of pain. Whether or not the child was lost before or after birth, we have still lost a child - someone we carried inside our wombs, a living being that was intimately tied to us, body and soul.
It is shocking, too; the things that can trigger your grief. I look at baby pictures of Silverwing and Willow, and it gives me a hollow feeling inside. I worry that I will never be able to share those special moments with a baby ... the first smile, the first words, those first tentative steps that make you proud and afraid all at the same time.
When we received the news today about Dougie, it brought out a lot of my grief and pain. I looked at his little face, and it still swims before my eyes through my tears. Dougie, I can only hope that Sable is keeping you company in the Summerlands, and that you both return to us here soon. May the God and Goddess keep you safe and happy until them.

In loving memory of Dougie and Sable

Amberflame - 4/17/99



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