Losing a Child
Just today, Oak and I received the news that a couple
we know had lost their son, Douglas Jackson III (little Dougie).
I grieve for them, and hope that the Lady and Lord will
wrap these two people in Their arms, and comfort them. I also offer them
the comfort of these words:
There is no greater tragedy in life than losing a child,
and my heart goes out to Doug and Jo. I hope that the Lady and Lord will
bless them with another child, but I also know the memory of Dougie will
stay with them forever. I can only hope that, as the pain lessens and fades,
their loving memories will sustain them.
"For we will meet, and know, and remember,
and love again."
I have the same hope for myself, for I can understand
some of their grief ... a couple of months ago, I lost our baby ... mine
I was only about 5 weeks along or so when I lost her.
At least I believe I would have had a girl; the energy felt right.
I suppose I did what a lot of mothers do; I lost myself
in work, making the transition to a new life, keeping busy. I never let
myself truly grieve for her - never gave in to the loss, the pain, the
sorrow or the anger.
So today is kind of a milestone for me. I lit my first
candle for her today, my beloved Sable. I couldn't do it before, so I guess
today is kind of a victory for me, and perhaps for her as well.
And not the traditional white, or pink for love, or blue
for healing. Oh no, not for my Sable. She told me what color she wanted
... orange *smile*. Trust her to be different.
To anyone who has not had a child, or especially never
carried one, it is very hard to explain the sense of devastation that losing
a child makes you feel. There is no feeling more hopeless, no grief more
I kept silent about my miscarriage. To be honest, I think
if I had heard anyone say "well, it was for the best," I would have strangled
them. The first person in my family that I shared the news with was my
sister-in-law, who some years ago lost a daughter as well, our beloved
Mothers who have lost children share a horribly intimate
bond ... I'm not sure if anyone else can understand that kind of pain.
Whether or not the child was lost before or after birth, we have still
lost a child - someone we carried inside our wombs, a living being that
was intimately tied to us, body and soul.
It is shocking, too; the things that can trigger your
grief. I look at baby pictures of Silverwing and Willow, and it gives me
a hollow feeling inside. I worry that I will never be able to share those
special moments with a baby ... the first smile, the first words, those
first tentative steps that make you proud and afraid all at the same time.
When we received the news today about Dougie, it brought
out a lot of my grief and pain. I looked at his little face, and it still
swims before my eyes through my tears. Dougie, I can only hope that Sable
is keeping you company in the Summerlands, and that you both return to
us here soon. May the God and Goddess keep you safe and happy until them.
In loving memory of Dougie and Sable
Amberflame - 4/17/99
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