"If your favorite love spell involves an overpass
and a can of Krylon,
you might be a redneck Pagan..."
[Note: This just showed up and although a rather odd interpretation of Amber's and my handfasting, somebody went to the trouble to write it, so I'm sharing it with you completely unedited. - Oak]
Just when you think you've seen it all, something always comes along and proves you wrong. I was passing by the old Belvidere place in Claremore the other day and seen the darndest thing I ever saw. There was some kind of wedding going on in the place. I could tell because I seen this pretty wedding cake come out of this car and get carried inside. Then people started showing up and filing in, so I knew there had to be a wedding going on. I probly shouldn't have done it, but I just love weddings, so after most of the folks got in, I pinched up my cheeks and smoothed out my dress and followed right in after them.
They was having the ceremony up in the old ballroom on the third floor, so it was pretty easy to sneak up the stairs after most everybody sat down and peek around the guest book table. The place was really beautiful, all done up in white tablecloths with candles and ivy and flowers everwhere. Way over on the other side of the room I could see this sort of an altar with a big bouquet sitting in the middle of it. I was looking for the bride but didn't see one and was just about to tiptoe back down the stairs so I wouldn't get caught when they got started. Then this woman got up and started talking and that's when I knew I wasn't looking at no normal wedding!
First, let me tell you, there wasn't no kind of regular preacher there at all, just these women talking and waving these knives and sticks and cups and things around in the air. There was two of the prettiest little girls there I ever saw with these old-timey looking dresses on and wearing flowers in their hair and all I could think about was all them stories I've heard about these heathen ceremonies where all kinds of horrible things happen to children. I wanted to run and call the police but by this time I was so scared I was afraid to hardly even breathe or they might catch me there and then there's no telling what might happen. So I just held my breath and watched and prayed they didn't see me there. Then the bride and groom walked in.
I don't know why they was bothering to get married in the first place. They already had two kids old enough to read and write, as it turned out the little girls were theirs. The bride was barefooted as a jaybird and probly wasn't wearing any underware either from the way her dress was cut so low in the front and back. Speaking of the dress, it wasn't even white, so she wasn't trying to fool anybody at least. And she had some sort of tattoo that looked like one of those heathen triple moon things with a spiderweb on it. It wouldn't have been so bad except it was back on her shoulder blade. (That always looks so trashy!) He had on this white sort of a pajama looking shirt and kinda blousey camoflage green pants that looked like he either just got out of bed or was about to sail off on a pirate ship. He wasn't really wearing any shoes either, just some kinda hippie sandals on his feet. And he needed a shave. And a haircut. Bad.
They had one of the little girls walk around with a candle for one of the women to use to light a bunch of other candles around the room. She was really precious, concentrating so hard to hold it up straight so she wouldn't drip wax on the floor! The other little girl, the older one, stayed up by the altar and handed stuff to the woman that was doing most of the talking. Then the woman in charge of this thing held up this rope and looked around the room real serious like and I just knew they were about to catch me, but they acted like I wasn't there and the older girl walked around the room with the rope so people could tie knots in it for good luck or something like that. Then she brought it back to that woman preacher who stepped out of the way and sat down kind of looking relieved that somebody else was going to talk a while.
This third woman stood up and took the rope and went over to the bride and groom and tied their hands together with it like they was some of them "Assen Em" people, or however you spell it. I think that was to keep the bride from running away. She looked like she was about to wet her panties, if she had any on, she was so scared! I could barely hear her when she recited her vows, but it was pretty much all the regular stuff about loving him forever and such, then something about promising she would always get in the truck. My mama was from Mississippi and my daddy was from Alabama, so I know what that means! I think they was from the South too, because of the way they talked. Then he promised a bunch of the same kind of stuff and ended his vows with promising to always remember to put the seat back down on the toilet. I've wanted to find a man like that my whole life! I wonder if he has an older brother?
Anyways, they finally got finished up and got back untied and all, then the first woman who was talking laid down a broom all decorated up with flowers and cords and they took a deep breath and ran and jumped over it just like in Roots. Then they all held hands and recited some other mumbo-jumbo and then I guess they was married because everbody cheered and clapped their hands. I have to admit, even though it was a pretty strange wedding, I cried tears of joy for them. You could tell they really loved each other by the way they looked into each other's eyes during the whole thing.
Anyway, after the whole thing was done and everbody was milling around clapping the bride and groom on the back and telling them how pretty it all was, I couldn't resist slipping into the crowd and getting a taste of the wedding cake and a plate of barbecue. The cake was pretty good. I never saw a chocolate wedding cake with cream cheese icing before, but if I ever get married again I might have one made up like that myself, no matter what mama would say. I talked to that hippy looking fellow for a bit and it turned out they were Southerners and were going back home to Tennessee after a honeymoon trip to a cabin way out in the woods near Tulsa. He asked me if I enjoyed the ceremony and had enough to eat and generally seemed just like regular folks except for that funny getup he had on and all that hair. And they weren't no devil worshipers either, just kind of different. I guess it's just a Southern thing.
(Name withheld by request)